I’m living a fairly monotonous life, it has been like this for the past few years.
No, I did not want and wish for this. This has come with the series of decisions that I’ve taken in my life that ultimately lead me to this life. It is not filled with partying, I don’t go on thrill adventures. I don’t do stupid things. I have no clue if it has been my upbringing, the friends i’ve kept through my life, the type of shows i’ve watched, the lovers i’ve loved, the people i’ve talked with, people I’ve looked up to, the show’s I’ve watched, the stories I’ve witnessed, the horrors I’ve lived through or the pessimistic and intrusive thoughts I’ve pondered on that led me to desire this life i lead now.
I’ve designed a peaceful life for myself. it is monotonous, simple, pale, bland, calm, downright sad and depressing for few sometimes, it is pale compared to the vibrant (and filtered), Kaliedoscopic (and complicated), to what people showcase. Why am living like this, what makes me continue living like this. Quite early on for me to say this, might change my mind. but I like this life I’m living, I’m grateful to the people who make it possible. The brother that comes at 7 am morning to pick up the trashbags. The delivery folks from zomato. The general store uncle, aunty, the cute hardworking lady at the supermarket, the bro that lets me drink tea on his stall. the aunty that comes without fail at the bus stop to serve idli & vada . (they might never be reading this stuff, but i want to say it out loud. thanking with genuineness to their face makes them look weird at me and shy away way too sometimes)
It is easy for folks to talk about a life where they live in a constant state of adventure. I don’t mean that I won’t go on adventures, or I won’t like to live a more vibrant life. I’m happy living this style of life is what I’m saying. There’s deep satisfaction that I derive working on my computer. performing and experimenting clicking and mashing away, scheming, developing, plotting, investigating, analyzing. It has its frustrations, pitfalls and sad hours. but often it is consistently one of the most deeply rewarding things I do.
I wake up, I work (self improvement projects), lunch, I work (code for office), Go to gym, workout, comeback, maybe go do groceries and some chores around the house, and I go back to work (personal), dinner, work(long term projects) again, talk with a friend or two at night maybe. and then journal and sleep.
I play guitar (I bought my dream guitar finally with my own money:an Ibanez premium RG) on my weekends, no not in public. I do think about doing it. but for now I play for myself. I spend my weekends working, only office work hours gets replaced by guitar and some reading.
I don’t feel empty most of the time, instead I feel satisfied and calm.
I don’t intend to say that i don’t like adventures, I’ll have them. I do have adventures planned. I’m just putting it out there that I’m okay this style of life as well. I find there exists a different kind of happiness, it is isolated yet connected, introspective, soothing and healing for me. I’m discovering things about me that I never thought I’d be inclined to do (such as writing consistently ahahahaha). I feel that no amount of wanderlust, soul searching, bungie jumping, clubbing and partying is going to give me the satisfaction of being able to be at peace in the balcony with my legs on the railing, coldbottle of protein-isolates in hand, watching the dark clouds afloat, move in a steady but relentless march. no amount of travelling to the corners of this world will quench the satisfaction of cooking my first bowl of successful rice, my first successful chapati, my first khichadi (khichadi attempt failed though). Things are ok. I’ll manage. I’m enough. This is going to be okay.
I’m way more creative, industrious, disciplined, responsible than before. I spend time in deep philosophical thoughts, introspect past mistakes and embarrasments, learn more easily these days and insights strike me way too often, I’m in a much better place that I was mentally a few years back.
I appreciate human connection, I’d develop a deep relationship and eventually not be staying alone, but the life I’m living right now also has it’s own somber allure.
I thought that the allure exists because there’s less to worry about, there less to manage, less uncertainities, less variables at play in my surroundings, and that makes it peaceful. I still have not reached the conclusion if that is true, since I often find myself spending more time doing stuff I was not doing before. I’m comfortably working way more harder compared to back when I was not living an alone and monotonous life.
I’d spend my life like this and probably not have any regrets.